Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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