I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
