i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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