I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
