I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
