At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
