It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
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I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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