Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
