I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
