Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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