If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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