I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
