someone threw a dead crab at me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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