My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
