I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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