You don't have asthma, your pregnant
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
