i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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