lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
