There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
