I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have demons in me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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