i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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