I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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