at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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