when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Everyone says I win the strip club
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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