I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
