he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
