my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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