The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
