I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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