SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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