Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
