i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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