I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
