all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
jump out the window naked night went bad
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
