last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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