a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
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