i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
