wanna go halves on a baby?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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