I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
