Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
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Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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