I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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