I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
