508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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