connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
how does that bad decision feel?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
