I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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