how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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