listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
