You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
