So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
