you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
