Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
