dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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