So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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