i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
