There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
