I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
