Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
