Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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